Tuck it and Fuck it.

Using my bra for more than just holding my girls in place is not anything to new me. I’ve been using my bra for good and evil for years now. If you ever saw the rack I had to carry around in high school, you’d see I could have used my bra for a gun holster, smuggle a fifth of vodka into the Back 40, a convenient pocket hold my smokes and my lighter or even as a hammock hanging from my shower rod for my baby kitten to rest her weary legs.

There are so many damn good uses for bras, Ladies, that it was only a matter of time before the remarkable people at TheRackTrap came up with this ingenious product.

I LOVE this product! (All my besties are getting one for Christmas!) This is a must-have for any Slut-On-The-Go. (You know who you are, I won’t say names.) Be honest, how many times have you pawned off your wallet to your girlfriend with the purse as big as her head, because you didn’t want to be bothered carrying a purse into the nightclub, only to get separated from your friend because you wanted to dance on the bar while sloppy drunk guys cheered you on and bought you shots of Red-Head Sluts (because if that super classy, dancing-on-the-bar stunt doesn’t scream “SLUT”, I don’t know what does), leaving you stranded without any cash, a credit card or even your damn ID? Suddenly you find yourself wanting to go home with Big Dick Daddy From Cincinnati, but your friend has long since ditched you because she was pissed she had to carry your damn 12 pound oversized wallet all night long!

What’s the answer to your problem, I ask? THERACKTRAP!! Think about it – a little cash, your driver’s license, a condom, and a stick a Trident and you’re set. It’s all about being safe, after all. Tuck it in your bra before you head out for the evening and your moody big purse carrying friend won’t have anything to bitch about the next time to ditch her to go home with the Big Loin From Des Moines.

Tuck it – Fuck it, Ladies!

Racktrap™ is sold individually or in a set of four. The limited edition Gold version is $7.95. Order now and they'll include free shipping & handling. The four-pack is $19.95 and includes White Lace, Black Lace, Nude Lace plus a water-resistant sport version for the woman who loves to work out! Finally, a place to stash your locker key without risk of leaving it on the treadmill.

Nobody is paying me to write this about TheRackTrap either. Swear to God. I approached them because I think this is wicked cool and every girly should have one. Now, click the god damn link and order yourself up some purse - freedom.

How Do Adult Women Make Friends?

I’ve been in my current city for well over a decade, and by now, I’ve created a great little inner circle of girlfriends who have nurtured me and supported me in countless ways. They’ve allowed me to be silly, gullible, misguided, heartbroken, tragic, serious, sophisticated and crazy. They’ve seen me through it all and they have stuck around – I couldn’t ask for a tighter more supportive group of girls than the ones I’m lucky enough to call my friends.

Yet, what does a woman do when she suddenly finds herself in a new city all on her own, no real friends in close proximity to call up and meet her for a glass of wine or to join her on a Sunday morning shopping trip to the outlet mall? And, for arguments sake, I’m referring to single women; single women without a boyfriend and without children to occupy their time. I mean bona-fide single women whose only long-term responsibility is to show up for work on Monday morning. Because if you’ve got a boyfriend or children, those are two very good resources to cultivate friendships (i.e. Girlfriends-in-law, Other Mommies from school or daycare – you know the drill). Women without these things might have a more difficult time finding other women they can connect with.

And I don’t mean rekindling friendships you’ve had from high school or people you’ve known in the past. I’m referring to the completely new friendship possibilities out there. And short of passing out Friendship Applications, I’m not sure there is an easy, acceptable way for women to make friends.

I remember a few years ago, I was trying to embark on a friendship with a group of girls who had all known each other from college, or high school, or some shit – I don’t remember. At first, they were very pleasant to me and included me in some of their activities and would email/phone/gossip whatever…but after a few short months, it felt like I had been ex-communicated from their tribe and I had no idea why. I racked my brain trying to determine if I came on too strong? Was I boring? Was I smelly? WTF, Ladies? At the time, it gave me a serious complex about how to approach women and ‘asking’ for friendship. It seemed like it was a game I wasn’t invited to play.

Later on, I learned that women can simply be bitches. Also, sometimes it’s easier just to stick with what’s comfortable and to avoid a situation where you have to be the nicest, most polite, most funny version of yourself for an entire evening to impress new prospects.

But what exactly is coming on too strong for women? Email? Phone calls? Woman Dates? I don’t really know the answer. I have a single friend who is in the situation of “New Girl In Town” and although, we are friends, I can’t spend 24 hours a day with her. (Trust me, she wouldn’t want to, either)

Got any advice?

It's Catty Thursday.

Dear Commander,

I got an idea, and I want you to go along with it, mmmkay?

Let ME write the alimony checks every month.

Wouldn’t that be so awesome?! It’s the most clever idea ever. I promise I won’t be vindictive or malicious or anything like that. I wouldn’t dream of writing “Because you’re a lazy fuzz mouth bitch who’s too good to get a job” in the Memo section. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to make the check out to “Sorry Ass Representative for Women’s Independence”. It's not my place to tell your ex-wife that Beyonce would definitely not consider her a "Survivor".

Trust me that would never happen. Like ever. I would be completely profesh and wife-like. I might even pop in a little note to say Hello! and ask her if the affair was worth it and how's that working out for her. See? I can be nice.

Kisses,
Muffy

Keeping your head up....

Where did this weekend go? Now that it gets dark around 6:30pm where I live, the days seem to vaporize faster than my will-power at a cupcake bar. Or a regular bar. Heck, even a juice bar. I’m not that disciplined. Pretty much anywhere that I can stuff my face and look like a pig, I’ve got very little restraint. Of which, I’m sure you could have guessed about me.

However, despite my short cupcake filled weekend, I did get a chance to catch up with two lovely friends. I’ve got this new snazzy Bluetooth feature in my car where I can talk on the phone without actually having to be on the phone. It’s super awesome and I heart it so much. We go together like peas and carrots. Anyway, after eating all my cupcakes, I had a chance to reflect on both of my conversations from the weekend, and was very dismayed when I realized that both of my friends are experiencing the similar dramatics.

Their friends are treating them like shit. And, from what I understand, making no effort to sugar-coat their assholery behavior. Not whatsoever. One friend feels completely used by her high school friends, and even when she recalled the story to me, she was still so emotionally raw over it, that it brought her to tears. Apparently, her friends have been taking advantage of her and now that the habit is in motion, she doesn’t know how to stop it.

Another friend recently revealed to her friends she was pregnant. I’d already known for a little while so when I called her on Saturday to check up on how she was feeling, she told me she physically felt fine, but emotionally she was confused as hell. (Shocking for a pregnant woman, I know.) But not for the normal hormonal reasons you would think. My friend is just a hair over three months pregnant. She has only been married for five months, so one would think that she had very little trouble getting pregnant. She decides to have a glass of red wine one night when she was out to dinner with her friends, and one of those friends took great offense, and went on a smear campaign against my friend. The lady with the big mouth has been trying to get pregnant for six months and felt my friend was inappropriate and selfish. My feelings are, “Ok, fine. You didn’t like she had a glass of wine for personal reasons, but does that give you license to go around and trash your friend?”

I don’t like these discoveries. I have never understood why women do this sort of thing to each other. Women friendships can be the most fulfilling and satisfying relationships we may ever have, yet sometimes the women in these relationships prove to be the most hostile, vulnerable and destructive of personalities. These women are like vultures, waiting to dive bomb on a vulnerability and begin picking away at the carcass to find any leftover meat to satisfy themselves. It’s very sad to hear these stories of women bullying other women, because I really believed that women build each other up, instead of tearing one another down. I believe in Girl Power and sticking together and being there for the women in our lives. It’s in my friendship contract. No backstabbing or talking shit about me. You got something to say? Hit me with it because I’m a big girl and I can take it. Don’t second guess me like that.

I didn’t know how to appease my friends, other than to remind them to surround themselves with women who will have their best interests at heart. Be aware of the failing friends that you keep within your circle and remind yourself that it’s okay to flush away the ones who don’t reciprocate your friendship. It may be a hard adjustment at first, but until your treat yourself the way others should treat you, they’ve got no reason to do so.

Minneapolis listed in the Nation's Top Ten Places to Meet Single Men

Click here to read where to find single men.

I'm so proud that our little metropolis made the list. Now put on some lipgloss and go find one! And don't come home until your sore.

All The Single Ladies - Put your hands up!

I recently came across a blog post from March of this year, where Wendy Atterberry discusses the two different types of single women, “Happies and Crappies”, as she affectionately (I hope) refers to them, and the assumed attitudes, habits and opinions thereof. To summarize the feel of this piece, the author paints a picture that while the Happies revere, accept and embrace the small fact that they are single, almost implying a whisper of pretentious “I could get a man if I wanted to; I just simply don’t want to” air to themselves, whereas the Crappies struggle with the meager existence of living a single life with no one to help them carry their laundry detergent up three flights of steps to their dark, cold studio apartment, and only have tuna fish out of a can for dinner.

This article doesn’t really shock me or disturb me, per say, but it does make me think about the time, not so long ago, when I was a single lady, trying to navigate my way through love and life. To say that it was the best time of my life and that I was an Easy-Breezy Single Girl is only half the story. For a long time, I was that Easy-Breezy Single Girl, living the life I’ve always thought I’d have (only with less disposable income), spending time with my girlfriends, buying and decorating my own place, going out to dinner and drinks and concerts, left town every weekend in the summer and didn’t have a care in the world. But that Easy-Breezy, or Happies, attitude didn’t come to me on its own. I came by it the hard way.

There were plenty of years that I struggled with my single status and I felt like a washed-up old maid at 28. Relationships were downright awful. I was awkward and naïve and clingy with the opposite sex. I’d pine over useless and boring boys because I thought it was the only chance I was ever gonna get. I downplayed every attribute I had. I resisted compliments and affections and I kept my mouth shut all-together too much. I was a passive observer of my life. I hadn’t yet had the opportunity to look past my own world and see that there was so much more to life than having a relationship. I worried that I’d be alone, and worried about how I was ever going to support myself.

Then something clicked. I don’t know what it was, but I just woke up one morning and noticed that I had a pretty awesome life. I had places to go, things to do and people wanted to spend time with me. I had outside hobbies and interests, and furthermore, I really learned to enjoy spending time on my own. I got to a point where I actually stayed in on weekend nights just to have some time to myself.

Whether you are a Happy or a Crappy, it’s all about learning who you are and developing the person you’re going to become. It’s a part of life that is so important, and even if I could, I wouldn’t erase those years for anything. I loved that I had those “single lady” experiences, and I love how I can look back on them with nostalgia and smile.

GO BIG RED!

This past weekend Commander and I went to his alma mater to watch the Huskers play a game. It's no doubt that a weekend away in a hotel is always fun, and the fact that we'll be in the midst of a college setting again, with students and campus life swirling around us and the energy that exudes from all of that is totally up my alley. I dig all that crap. Even the football part - I've become pretty damn good at following a game from start to finish.

But then, of course, because I'm away from home and outside of the comforts of home and routine - Mother Nature beared her ugly head and surprised me with my monthly visit. (just like in those stupid Tampax commercials designed to ruin fun for women everywhere.) Normally, when this happens, I can usually go with the flow (ew...that metaphor is completely inappropriate here) however, given the fact I was going to be outside for most of the day Saturday - how does one manage these things? Have you ever tried to insert a tampon while in a porta-potty? Oh Good Lord, the acrobatics involved with just peeing alone in one of those things for a woman is pretty taxing, but to add the complexity of taking care of your period, too?! Jesus - I might as well have just went behind a bush and did all the housekeeping because then at least I'd have a branch to hang my purse. Because there ain't no way in hell I'm setting down my new, overly priced cute handbag on the floor of a porta-potty. Aint NO WAY.

Don't let me forget to mention that if I do happen to have an 'accident', on this day - I am stuck with about 100 zillion boys who don't have any idea how embarrassing or trying this ordeal can be. They do not understand the gravity of any situation -let alone one that involves menstruating and girly stuff such as bleeding through a very expensive pair of jeans because you didn't bring any super tampons, and only have the regular sized ones you keep in your purse for emergencies.

Ugh - Fucking stressful, let me tell you. Oh! And bleeding through on to the hotel sheets - that's always a pleasant surprise for the girls in housekeeping, eh? Yeah....fun times.

Kee-rist. I need a Girl's Weekend.